Chapter 1
Grandville Animals proudly presents the American Animaux Presidential Election!
Starring Trump Peacock of the Dumbo Party
…and Hillary Lioness of the Donkey Party
And a metamorphosis cast of the famous and/or infamous!
Johnson Hippo:
Hey! Remember me! I am Johnson Hippo of the Libertarian Party! Why do you always forget about me?
Narrator:
Ignore him
Johnson Hippo: Where is my picture?
Narrator: Ignore him!
Johnson Hippo: I want my picture!
Narrator: Johnson Hippo! Are you satisfied now?
Johnson Hippo: Couldn’t you have found a more flattering pic of me?
Narrator: No! You are a hippo! Let me continue!
Johnson Hippo: Who are you anyway?
Narrator: I am the narrator of Grandville’s Animals!
Johnson Hippo: Why don’t you have a pic?
Narrator: Because narrators don’t have pics! We are neutral!
Johnson Hippo: How do I know you are neutral if you don’t have a pic?
Narrator: Let me continue!
Johnson Hippo:
You are The Illustrious if utterly boring Beetle aren’t you? Isn’t this your pic?
Narrator: That is a very misleading pic! Let me continue!Johnson Hippo: All right but you could have found a more flattering pic of me? And made it bigger?
The Dumbo Party election plank:
We need to rebuild our military!
Free all prisoners and jail the police and then redistribute all wealth from the rich to the poor!
Register to vote here! And remember the Donkey Party motto: vote early & vote often!
Mr. Fox:
Register to vote here for the Sheeple Party! Ignorance is the greatest virtue of patriots!
Grumpy King Parrot:
I thought you were hanged Mr Fox?
Mr. Fox: That was my evil twin. See? I even save damsels in distress!
Grumpy King Parrot: Are you implying that there is a difference?
Mr. Fox: I am the good twin!
Grumpy King Parrot: That is the problem. There is no difference between either you & your evil twin or the establishment parties in this election.
Mr. Fox: I cede you the ground that both establishment parties are the incarnation of establishment animosity toward the populist Animaux.
Grumpy King Parrot: The American Animaux Presidential Election is coming! 60 days and counting!
Boehner Chameleon: As the Ex-Speaker I don’t have to agree with everything everyone says anymore. So F*#%@ off! This whole election is Sh#%! And Cruz Auk is still Lucifer Incarnate!
The Clinton Foundation Ferret:
Want a little pay to play?
Billionaire Beaver:
Don’t mind if I do.
The internet trolls reduce the level of debate to a zoo
Pepe: But only after I was called a humanphobic, insectphobic, xenophobic, racist, bigoted, sexist, fascist, nazi, ignorant, uneducated, lower class, red neck green frog!
Assange Parrot:
Prepare for an October Surprise
Mr. Fox: That parrot can’t keep a secret
Assange Parrot: Parrots repeat everything everyone says! That is what parrots do!
Grumpy King Parrot: I don’t!
Mr. Fox: No. You are too grumpy.
Grumpy King Parrot: When Assange Parrot was attacking Dumbos the Donkeys loved him. Now that he is attacking Hillary Lioness they hate him.
Mr. Fox: Assange did say that Hillary Lioness was a demon.
Grumpy King Parrot: But only after someone sent an assassin to his embassy lair.
Mr. Fox: I have asked Huffington Post Pelican and Breitbart Boar to create headlines to confuse & alienate everyone.
The birds of the ‘neutral’ 4th Estate discuss their editorial responsibilities. Translation: Shill for Hill!
The Industrious Historian Mr. Fly documents the American Animaux Presidential election. But afterwards no one will want to read it.
Newspaper vendors hand out their wares. No wonder newspapers are obsolete!
Jack Duck:
That is why I only read social media.
The 4th Estate at work.
Jorge says we should not be objective. Bias is good! And Paste is yummy!
No wonder only 23% of the public trusts the Lying Press.
Mrs. Bachmann Magpie is maintaining her political blog but everyone has already forgotten her.
Mrs. Birdy:
I am still waiting for my trickle down crumbs!
Mr. Fox:
Don’t tell her Reagan Bull Dog is dead.
Old Hare:
I am a proud 4th generation Donkey Party voter. So why is everything worse off now?
Don’t even think about abandoning the Donkey Party Plantation!
Mustering out the vote for [insert name here] Fox & Hare News.
Mr. Fox:
Whose name will appear for your shill?
Fox and Hare News:
Whoever pays to play!
Hillary Lioness:
$$$$$
Fox and Hare News: Shill for Hill!
Mr. Fox: I thought the press was suppose to be neutral?
Hannity Hare: I am as disgusted by this as you are! Personally I support Trump!
Retired Dog:
I am with her —-for a cut of the pay for play!
I might be retired from a lifetime of knavery but I still smell graft! But enough with waxing nostalgic! Did you know the Clinton Foundation gives only 10% to actual charity & keeps the rest for ‘expenses’?
Mr. Fox: Some of which I suspect will end up in your pocket!
Retired Dog: How did you guess?
The global elite at play. Thankfully corporations and banks are picking the next president.
Mr. Fox:
I thought this was a democratic election?
Grumpy King Parrot:
Pay to play!
Koch Vulture:
I have already bought the president for 140 million! I am with her because she is FOR ME!
Craven Hare:
Can I have the crumbs?
Glenn Beck Rooster:
I can’t decide which side to crow for!
Obama Rooster:
You will be at the back of the queue for TTIP unless you capitulate to the EU and me!
Old British Bulldog:
Bollocks! Accept it! Brexit happened!
The Establishment Elite:
We must lecture the stupid voters how to be politically correct!
Mr. Fox:
Translation: vote for the bought and paid for Establishment candidate!
When did the voters have to be browbeaten against voting for populists who actually want to represent them instead of the establishment elite?
The Medical Industry:
I warned everyone Quackcare wouldn’t work! Death spiral anyone?
Dr. Raven of Animauxland Insurance:
Quackcare: How to become an incompetent monopoly which kills people.
Hillary Lioness:
You should be ashamed of yourself Breitbart Boar! You don’t deserve to exist!
Breitbart Boar:
Bollocks!
Milo The Fabulously Flamboyant Cat:
But the headlines are mine!
Hillary Lioness: Then you don’t deserve to exist!
Milo The Fabulously Flamboyant Cat: But am I not one of your Donkey Party Plantation minorities?
Hillary Lioness: You can’t be!
Milo The Fabulously Flamboyant Cat: Fabulously Flamboyantly Gay! And purring perfect! I Milo the Fabulously Flamboyant Cat introduce myself to the world’s stage!
Hillary Lioness: But you are everything the Donkey Party loathes! You are a [gasp] conservative millennial! You call Trump Peacock ‘Daddy’! You work for Breitbart Boar! And you refuse to vote for me! You basket of deplorables! You [insert insult here] Brexit Brit!
Milo The Fabulously Flamboyant Cat: Purrrrrr!
Hillary Lioness: But your headlines are disgusting you basket of deplorables!
Milo The Fabulously Flamboyant Cat: What is wrong with my headlines?
Hillary Lioness: ‘Would you rather your child had feminism or cancer?’
Milo The Fabulously Flamboyant Cat:
So are Huffington Sparrow headlines any better?
‘White people should be banned from doing yoga’
‘The dirty lie that all lives matter’
‘I am a pedophile but I mean well’
I’m a pedophile but your are the monster, my week with the vile Alt Right Hate Machine’
‘We brought this on ourselves:
New York Twin Towers bombing (twice)
London Underground bombing
Madrid train bombing
Paris bombings
Brussels bombings
Nice bombing
Catholic church beheading
German terror attacks
Orlando massacre
Milo The Fabulously Flamboyant Cat
Breitbart Boar:
Yeah!
Hillary Lioness: Breitbart Boar! You loathsome [insert insult here]! You don’t have a right to exist! And that goes for your bit@# of a cat too!Milo The Fabulously Flamboyant Cat: Purrrrrr!
Meanwhile: Are the American Animaux Insects plotting something Hive Keeper?
Animauxland Homeland Security Bureau:
Can we trust the Animauxland Insects?
Hive Keeper:
Of course! See all of the happy Insects!
The Drudge American Animaux Report:
Headlines! The American Animaux Insects are plotting to wage Insect – Terrorism!
Joe Walsh Owl:
I am still hunting for wedge issues.
Morning Joe:
I definitely spot an infestation of pay to play!
Hear ye! Hear ye! You only have two more months to lay your tribute at the feet of Hillary Lioness! And Barnicle Pelican says the Clinton Foundation is fast tracking all pay for play tribute too!
Breitbart Boar:
Jail her!
Hillary Lioness:
You don’t deserve to exist you [insert insult here] basket of deplorables!
The Military Industrial Complex Crocodiles are still feasting off the Body Public
Mr. Fox:
Don’t you just love corporate welfare!
Grumpy King Parrot:
No! I don’t! This obscenity is why the Public is turning against both establishment parties!
Koch Crocodile:
Don’t worry! I am creating a backfire against the populist ground swell!
Mr. Fox:
But I thought you were a Libertarian?
Koch Crocodile:
I am a globalist crony corporatism capitalist new world order S O B just like everyone else!
Mr. Fox:
Well I confess the corpse of Joe Public sprawled at your feet is a dead giveaway!
Meanwhile, the American Animauxland Insects bury the Hive Keeper. And with the Hive Keeper is buried the myth of insect ‘moderates’.
The American Animauxland Insects plot their master plan but everyone is too busy ranting about Kaepernick Kipper to notice.
The American Animauxland Insects embrace the Divine Slavery of the Blessed Hive
Mr. Fox:
Translation: Insect – Terrorism!
Hillary Lioness:
Remove that hyphen! You racist bigoted Insectophobe!
Ditto a basket of deplorables! You don’t have a right to exist!
Mr. Fox:
Why not save everyone time by limiting your juvenile name calling to[ insert insult here]! And it is not Insectophobia if they really want to kill you!
The Huffington Sparrow Post searches for any rational reason to Shill for Hill — but can’t find any.
Ron Paul Wolf:
Keep your hands off my Medicare you commie cad!
Rand Paul Wolf:
No Dad! That is so old school! Via the Libertarian Identitarians!
Ron Paul Wolf: Eh?
Rand Paul Wolf: The Libertarian Identitarians are the millennial hip thing Dad!
Ron Paul Wolf: We Libertarian Wolves will never be hip! Johnson is just a hippo wimp!
Johnson Hippo:
Why is everyone so mean to me?
Ron Paul Wolf: Because you are just a damn fool hippo without the Donkey ears!
The General of the American Animaux Army Ants pow pows with the leader with the least brains. I need a better mastermind!
Erdogen Insect to the Divine Slavery of the Blessed Hive:
‘Democracy, freedom, & rule of law, for us these words have absolutely no value any longer!’
Mrs. Palin Wolf plots her return to power.
The Libertarian Wolves invite the Green Party Sheeple to front for them to woo the Bernie lambs.
Mr. Fox:
Boy will the Bernie lambs get disillusioned really fast! As in eaten!
The Bernie Socialistic Utopia
The reality would be very different
Mr. Smith Hume Ricardo Hare:
Capitalistic utopia for me is every worker enjoying the fruits of their honest labors!
Cruz Auk is still looking for his worshipers.
Grand Old Party Booby Penguin explains the hard facts:
your 15 minutes of fame are past!
Cruz Auk:
But I want to be King of the Dumbo Party!
Cruz Auk:
Where are my old sycophants? I miss the good old days!
Mr. Fox:
When you shut down the government?
Cruz Auk:
No one wants me!
Don’t worry dear! We Auks still love you!
The American Animaux Insects plot their plot to take over American Animauxland. The Praying Mantis prays for a miracle.
Main Street Toad:
I am worried about this election. Animauxland is going in the wrong direction but no leader has a compass or map.
Mr. Fox:
But they are too arrogant to admit that!
Granville Pepe awakes!
“Basket of Deplorables eh! [insert insult here] eh! Hillary Lioness! You are about to rue the day you woke the Alt Right Trolls!”
Rubio Kingfisher comes up empty.
Rubio Kingfisher goes home empty handed.
Reid Porcupine:
The Donkey Party has rendered me mute. But I sure wish I could stick a quill up the backside of a pay to play lioness!
Newt Cockatoo:
I am back in the game!
Mr. Fox:
But what is his game?
Old Media Dogs:
We old media dogs have muzzled ourselves!
Mr. Fox: How ironic! 4th Estate liberal media censorship rivals Big Brother!
Old Media Dogs: Maybe we don’t deserve to exist!
Old Pelley Dog:
The public is abandoning us old Media Dogs for flashy internet bloggers like him! Why?
Milo The Fabulously Flamboyant Cat:
Why? Because internet bloggers and trolls are the only ones telling the truth now!
Mr. Fox:
Which is why you are banned from Twitter!
Milo The Fabulously Flamboyant Cat: Free Milo!
Mr. Fox: Old Hippo Johnson is running for the Libertarians. I suggested he let his young daughter Pussy Cat run instead.
Mr. Fox:
After a century swinging left the pendulum of history is swinging back to the center right. The wise will heed reality and adjust their tack accordingly.
Grumpy King Parrot:
To be right of the extreme Regressive Left is to be returning to centrist sanity, moderation, and common sense. The SJW nutters are too extreme for even me to stomach anymore!
Mr. Fox: The Regressive Left is single handed driving Alt Right Recruitment with their excesses and name calling and Big Brother censorship and Social Justice Warrior bullying.
Grumpy King Parrot: Most of the Alt Right are disillusioned liberal Baby Boomers or repulsed Millennials.
Mr. Fox: If they are a basket of deplorables then the Frankenstein creating this Alt Right monster is the Regressive Left and fanatic New World Order Social Justice Warriors.
Grumpy King Parrot: The future will be a struggle between ideology and identity. Not the right or the left. I hope the young win! We Baby Boomers have been on the world’s stage for too long!
Pussycat Johnson:
I hereby declare my candidacy to become the next American Animauxland President! I officially launch the new Libertarian Identitarian Party! The sane alternative to failed excesses and has-beens of the past!
Pussy Cat Johnson:
I announce the Alternative Party’s manifesto! A return to sanity! Moderation! Common sense! Tradition! Tried & true Animaux values! Shared Animaux roots! Shared Animaux heritage! One nation! One identity! One home for us Animaux! A place where we belong and which belongs to us!
Pussy Cat Johnson:
But how to defeat Hillary Lioness? I will need allies!
Mr. Fox and Joe Rook:
Let’s talk!
Mr. Fox: I am helping Joe Rook help Pussy Cat. Joe Rook is wooing the young alienated Animaux who can’t find jobs to pay off their student loans. I will woo the alienated & unemployed blue collar workers abandoned by the Donkey Party.
Grumpy King Parrot:
I will woo the alienated, abandoned, & unemployed Dumbo Voters.
Joe Rook:
Are we plotting a revolution?
Grumpy King Parrot: Yes! I believe we are!
Mr. Fox: We are overthrowing the Establishment Elite! That is a revolution I gladly embrace!